do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
