At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
