I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
