I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
