"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
