just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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