I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
