Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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