she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
