There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
