I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I can't trust your balls anymore.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
