he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
