Will you blow on my dice?
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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