hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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