I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
