I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
