My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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