Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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