Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Text me some of your sweat
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
