9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
