I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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