Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Randomize
