In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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