i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
