it's too hot outside to masturbate.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
