The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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