atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
