If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
