her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
