Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
