You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
