I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
