AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
