she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
How external is "for external use only"?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
