am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
