Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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