mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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