she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
