to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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