there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
