Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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