yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
