listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
