I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
