I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
