Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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