my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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