ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
