she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
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