i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
