The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
