I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
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I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
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I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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