so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
We left an ass print on the piano.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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