Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
