I just made out with a guy for $7.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
