had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
