I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I will be naked everywhere
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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