sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
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I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
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All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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