my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
She's the barista slut.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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