I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Randomize
