new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
