party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
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