i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
